Today is supposed to be my favorite day. We are supposed to be celebrating. There should be cake, and presents, family, and laugher. 

But there isn’t any of that. 

Today is supposed to be Hope’s birthday. Her 4th birthday, actually. We dreamt about this day. We prayed for this day with all that we were. Our hearts were bursting in a way I can’t even describe. This day was supposed to be the day we finally met our sweet baby. 

Things don’t always work the way we plan. Instead, months before this day, two words changed everything 

NO HEARTBEAT 

Nothing has been the same since those two words were quietly spoken by a doctor we didn’t know, who quickly ushered us into another room and told us things that didn’t fix our brokenness.

October 1, 2010 was our worst day. April 8 is a close second. 

We will celebrate you today. We won’t laugh, or sing, or have a themed party with silly decorations. Family and friends won’t be there with way too many presents. But we’ll be there, sweet baby Hope, with balloons and your cupcake. We love you, sweet Hope. Always. 

We are at the beach this year for supposed to be day. It’s my favorite place. We are here with some of our most favorite people, too. We are having so much fun!  But, grief doesn’t care about any of that. In fact, I find grief to be a horrible uninvited guest that shows up whenever he wants and lingers long after he’s overstayed his welcome. So we crawl through it. We survive it. Sometimes, we even find bits of happiness inside of the pain, too. 

We love you, Hope. Always. 

You can help us celebrate Hope’s 4th Supposed to Be Day by donating to our adoption fund:

Seeking Baby J Adoption Fund