Silently Surviving 

Lately, it’s been all about reflection and finding a peaceful spot in the chaos. Sometimes I can’t stop the loop in my mind that seems stronger than the truth in my heart. I know that love is stronger than doubt, but it’s hard. 

It is so hard. 

Hard to celebrate when pieces of me are missing. 

Hard to be thankful even when I know better. 

Hard to smile when I just want to hide. 

Hard to wave as the kindergarten girls run to the bus, while I’m left with Hope’s shadow. 

Hard to believe the finality of barrenness without getting caught in the undertow. 

Hard to push all of my faith into my heart when it feels like it’s getting smaller. 

But it isn’t too hard. 

It isn’t hard enough to make me quit being absolutely in love with the universe. 

I don’t know why Hope didn’t get to stay. 

I don’t know why I’m lucky enough to love your kids but not my own. 

I know it’s bigger than me. 

I know it’s worth it. 

I know love will win. 

we’ll never stop seeking you, Baby J.