Today

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Mother’s Day is hard. Rough. Unbearable.
I usually buck up and go with it, smile, go to brunch, buy cards and flowers, send happy texts to friends.

This year, I’m opting out. I can’t do it. Cannot. It is too much. Too much.
Today screams at me: not you, not you, not you. You cannot do the one thing you were built for, made to be, designed to create. Not you.

And yes, I am thankful my own sweet Mama who is the most wonderful Mama I could ever wish for. And all of the amazing women who are mothers to me. All of my friends who love and gently mother their children. I love being a Godmother and an aunt. I love that I was able to help parent some amazing children over the years and be their Mandee. I love the precious gift of being a daytime mom to all of my students. I am thankful that I was Hope’s mom for those glorious fourteen weeks I was able to give her what she needed before she was gone.

But it isn’t the same. Doesn’t count. They aren’t mine. I’m not theirs. I want to be a Mama. With everything that make me alive, I want to be a Mama.
Yes, I am loved. Yes, I am surrounded by amazing family and friends and people who truly wish my dreams come true. Prayers for strength flood me with real Hope. Prayers of love build me up and make me strong. But not today.
happy mother’s day
happy nothing day
happy broken day
happy not you day
happy lonely day
happy darkest day

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